I am TERRIBLE in bed.

If I’m to believe this recent survey of 4,500 women, I’m apparently worthless in the bedroom.

Thankfully, I can cook.

The survey asked these women to name the physical features of their BEST sexual partner, and out of the top ten answers, I’ve got two.


The ten most common features of these dudes who were great in the sack are:

  1. A beard. 73% of the women in this survey said the best dude they ever had sex with had a beard.

    So, I’ve got that going for me. That’s one of my two.
  2. Brown eyes.

    I’m out on this one with my baby blues.
  3. Piercings.

    Damn. I used to have my ears pierced. But I took them out several years ago for an MRI and never put them back in. Recently, my wife has said that she really liked my earrings. Maybe I should get them back?
  4. Broad shoulders. 68% of the women in the survey said that a broad set of shoulders was a key physical feature.

    I don’t think I’ve ever been told I have broad shoulders, so I’m likely out on this one.
  5. Tattoos.

    YES! Number two for yours truly!
  6. Brown hair.

    Again, I’m out on this one. I’ve had a lifetime of blonde/strawberry blonde hair. Plus, I keep my head shaved, so who knows how much grey is in there at this point.
  7. A “snail trail” of hair from the belly button to the pubic area.

    I’m going to give myself a half point on this one. I’ve got hair down there, but I wouldn’t classify it as sexy, or as a “snail trail”.
  8. Small feet. Yup. 53% of women in this survey said that the dudes with the best sexual prowess also had teeny feet.

    Who knew? I usually wear a 10 – 10.5 sneaker, so I’m out on this quality as well. Damn.
  9. Glasses. Apparently, bad eyesight means you’re a proficient lover.

    I’m actually planning on getting glasses at some point this year, so maybe I can give myself another blue checkmark here.
  10. High cheekbones.

    Yeah, I definitely don’t have those.

All together, I’m a solid 2.5, maybe a 3.5 by this December. And if I get my ear piercings put back in, I could be inching my way up to to stratosphere!

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Brian Simpson

Unapologetic fan of the Red Sox, Patriots, Bruins & Celtics. Lover of powerful, dark beers. Married with NO kids. Ever. Lover of doggos. Not so much cats.

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