I'm Brian Simpson...and you're not. Unless your name is Brian Simpson.

If you've heard a rumor about me, it's probably true.

I was not emotionally prepared to deal with the death of my dog.

Contrary to popular belief, I do own pants.

Since moving to La Crosse, my beloved Boston teams have won 7 championships. Now my friends on the East Coast never want me to move back.

If you fart in public, blame it on your wife. It works for me.

I like kids. As long as they go home with someone else.