I'm Brian Simpson...and you're not. Unless your name is Brian Simpson.
If you've heard a rumor about me, it's probably true.  Contrary to popular belief, I do own pants.

Since moving to La Crosse, my beloved Boston teams have won a @#$% ton of championships. Now my friends on the East Coast never want me to move back.  If you fart in public, blame it on your wife. It works for me.

And I do actually like kids... as long as they go home with someone else.